Mindin’ o’ The Hook – Daft Stuff

Daft chats:  We’d hae great fun makin’ stuff up, pretending tae be very Sco’ish, basically

takin’ the piss a wee bit, makin’ stuff up.  For example:

James:  “Tell ye yin thing ah canna stawn’, ah cannae thole people whae dinnae hae a drink, dinnae

enjoy a guid gless.”

I’d say,  “You’ve go’ freenz like tha’?”

J: “Try no’ tae, but sometimes ye run intae them … ah cannae thole them!”

An’ I’d say,  “Aye, ken fine whit ye mean, they’re often no’ very interestin’, no’ muckle fun.”

J: “Exac’ly, cannae enjoy life.”

“Yeh, they’re needin’ a gless or twa.”

J: “Eh?  Mairan twa, mair like five or six!”

James was an awfy hoachin’ sort, aye ha’en tae be daen somethin’: A few years ago aroon’ 2018, James tellt me he was ower busy tae look at or listen tae onny specially chosen video link I sent him, usually some Rock’n’Roll oldie we used to gie laldy tae 50 year afore. Ah pit it tae him how busy was he, an’ he said, “A’ the fung emails ah fung git!”  Ah speirt efter him how munny, an’ he said, “Ower a fung hunner a day”. I wunnert oot lood if he’d fallen intae ra trap o’ exaggeration, and got a “Foff!” fur mah pokin’. Ah tellt him ah got aboot a dozen, so ah had time for Rock’n’Roll. Onnywye, ah kent fine he preferred C&W songs, or Country as it’s ca’ed the noo, an’ hud ra time tae play his fayves. 


Life and Death

We’d sometimes muse on life, especially efter we’re deid … of course, we agreed there was nane but wad hae a speir at whit we’d miss.  James said he’d miss things like family, walkin’ in the hills and the drinkin’.  He said he wad be gled tae dae wi’oot the upsets, the anger, the pain in his back (ah said no’ a pain in the neck?), huvvin’ tae get stuff done, an’ jus’ ra bugger o’ ordinary life and livin’ … oh, an’ fung hingowers! He could be interesting in his blethers.

Daft Correspondence 

JayBo seemed tae hae time for daft corresponding wi’ Freenyin (no’ his real name), fanciful Monty Pythonesque stuff “proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain”, a suitable quote there frae Macbeth – yeh, he prolly hud ower monny emails tae deal wi’!  Here’s a coupla examples. 

Example o’ daft writin’ frae Jay Bo tae Freenyin:

Dear Josef,

I am sure The Camel would be pirouetting on his pronger to be reminded of that.  I guess this is one of the fascinations of natural selection in the multiverse of Fife (it could only exist in another one, not in ours).

Davie Attenborough (just call me Sir)!

Mair examples o’ their erudite correspondence: 

On 18/05/2022, at 1:03 p.m., Freenyin  wrote:

And there’s plenty of that shite around, eh? I wouldn’t worry about it though. We’ll soon a’ be deid. And then, may you be visited by 4,000 virgins or a 1,000 kilogrammes (smirk) of infinity, whichever is more to your taste. It’s all bollocks.

 Malcolm Muggeridge.

From:  Jay Bo

Sent: Wednesday, 18 May 2022 2:51 p.m.

To: Freenyin

Cc:  Freentwa   ; Grim Bathgut <gbathgate@paradise.co>

Subject: Re: A Little Light Reading for You (Light – Geddit?)

 Is there such a thing as 4,000 virgins?  Perhaps in the multiverse up the road and roond the corner a bit?

The Silver Surfer.

On 18/05/2022, at 5:17 p.m., Freenyin  wrote:

No, no….there were 4,000 virgins once upon a time in Kirkcaldy.  Then, they discovered what Doit Church had in mind up the alleyway at the side of the Burma Ballroom.  So, that was the end of that.

 However, as you may remember, (the 4,000 certainly do), Doit’s sexual proclivities were something of an aberration in any universe; and, it was not for nothing that he was ca’d Big Frankie the Camel.  

 But, you don’t need a multiverse to imagine a different set of 4,000 young nymphettes existing somewhere else, in blissful ignorance of the horrors of 1960s Rugby Hops, and without their having to go up the road and roond the corner to get a bit.  

 Josef Bronowski

An’ yin wi’ Freentwa:

From: Jay Bo  Sent: Wednesday, 18 May 2022 10:38 a.m.   To: Freentwa

Cc: Gram Baughit  gbathgate@xtra.com; Freenyin

Subject: Re: A Little Light Reading for You (Light – Geddit?)


Apparently, its all to do with the speed of shite!

From: Freentwa   Sent:  18/05/2022, at 7:53 a.m.:

So there’s a being identical to you who’s lived exactly the same life as you until now; and another who’s lived exactly the same life as you until a second ago; and another until two seconds ago; and another ….. you get the picture. This is the same as the suggestion that enough monkeys with enough typewriters would produce the entire works of Shakespeare.  Oops, forgot a comma somewhere, but not to worry, there’ll be a better effort along in a minute. In other words, once you’ve accepted the concept of infinity not only is everything possible, it’s guaranteed.  Only problem with this is that it’s obviously bollocks.I am always reluctant to pay attention to anyone who can’t spell metre. If these tossers could spell kilometre who knows, they might even be able to pronounce it.


Wee bit off-colour stuff oft lauched at:

James and I loved quite often to say to each other, “Yerbozzera’mince”, or just “Yerbozzera’” meaning we were often talking nonsense or whatever, so an outrageous description was called for. There were worse things we said, totally unrepeatable. Ocht! Here’s yin:  “Hoosyer belly fur cock dabs?” Not quite sure who we’d say that tae but we thocht it awfu’ funny. Then there was, “Hooz it hingin’?” on meeting again, tae which the reply could be, “Tae the left,” or “Doon,” or just “Nae sae bad … yersel’?”  Something a bit bluer was uttered when some shared task was a bit tricky,  “You tryin’ to mak it hard fur me?” 

Near 60 year back in Scotland, jist ootside New Scone James was gettin’ intae the back o’ an aul’ freen’s car, an auld Scots freen’, like 30 years older! The aul’ yin asked,  “Are ye in?” James said, “Aye!”  Then the aul’ yin said, “Ca’ yer erse!”  We burst out laughing and had many a laugh repeating it ower the years, aye saying it when the question came up. Now that James is gone, I very much miss that kind of daft thing, the reminiscence and shared laugh.