Urine in Latin?
There we were at one o’clock all sitting after lunchbreak in the Latin class, teacher Mr Sinclair, whom we called “Bubbles”, no idea why at all, his classes were pretty solid and interesting; he was in his late 20s, we were 15 years younger. He wore the black “cloak” all the teachers wore, to look masterly or perhaps they were “chalk dust protectors”. Under the robe Bubbles wore always the same light tweedy suit, the most memorable thing about it being a yellow stain at his crotch, often about eye level as we sat in old oak double desks, complete with holes for inkwells. He clearly hung to the left!
There were only about 20 of us in the Latin class, possibly just for those who had already decided they’d go on to careers in medicine or law; in my case it was that I enjoyed it and could do it better than science subjects. Anyway, it was nice being in a small class instead of the usual groups of around 35.
We didn’t have to line up for Latin which was great; we were trusted to be on the ball and ready to learn without the discipline of being quiet in line before entering class. We were in our usual places, jotters out, our Latin textbooks by Paterson & McNaughton at the ready. Bubbles came in and looked around, then said, “Em, is it my imagination, or are a couple of worthy people missing?” We knew exactly – James and Sandy weren’t there. Just only five minutes before I had been with them. Where on earth were they? The minutes ticked by. Bubbles was telling us about the lesson, some new conjugation, a few new words, going to set us to translating orally some Caeserean passage about Roman spears and shields. It was nearly ten past one, a concentrated silence of dedicated learning had gripped the group. There were gales of laughter in the distance from down the stairwell, coming closer. It wasn’t your usual laughing and stopping, this was continuous crazed stuff, out of control, totally crazy, giggling. I could imagine bent double, hardly able to walk. The laughing got to the top of the stairs not far from the classroom. Bubbles stopped talking and looked towards the door. The laughing came in, James totally shaking with the giggles, Sandy just managing to hold it in, but somehow they both got to their seats.
Bubbles said, “Good of you to join us. Must have been something very important to be 10 minutes late and in a state of extreme jollity.”
James said, “Yes, sir, we were downstairs.”
Bubbles said, “Well, that would hardly be the cause of such mirth, would it?
Do I have to guess at the joke?”
Sandy’s turn to say, “Yes, sir.”
James went back to bursting with the giggles.
Bubbles tried again, saying, “I’m sure the class would like to know what you’ve been up to. You are going to tell us, aren’t you?”
Sandy quickly said: “Oh no, sir!”
James said, “Yes, sir,” but no certainty in the tone.
Bubbles said he was waiting, and would appreciate it if it was stated in Latin, by way of a lesson. That would be in both senses of the word.
James bravely had a go.
“Sandy et ego in toileto eramus …”
Bubbles grimaced and suggested “latrina”.
“Ah, Sandy et ego in latrina eramus, et … “
“Oh dear, I wonder if our tender ears should receive this kind of thing,” said Bubbles.
James then asked the strangest question: “What’s the Latin for pinky finger, sir?” I was sure that the Latin master, although knowledgeable, wouldn’t know, but he came straight out with “parva digitus” and was good enough to write it on the board, then turned to say this sounded even sillier than James’s usual prankish stuff but he was still interested.
I wondered what on earth parva digitus had to do with being 10 minutes late for class. We were all agog as to where this explanation, probably wildly creative, was going. Would there be another daft word? What would it be?
“And what is urine?” James asked.
Bubbles said, “I think perhaps it would be best if you write this for me at home.”
A couple of pupils said they were keen to hear now, so Bubbles in his usual humorous style, asked James, “You do mean the Latin word, I trust?”
James agreed, “Oh, yes sir!”
Bubbles duly delivered with “Urina”.
Sandy said he was surprised it was Feminine.
James suggested as Masculine it would then be “Urinus” which wouldn’t sound very nice.
Bubbles agreed with him, especially in the way he had mispronounced the word.
James then asked for “to dry” in Latin.
Bubbles said, “I hope this will all turn out to give us the explanation of your extreme lateness.”
Fortunately, after a few more minutes of messing about with various Latin
words, we were all none the wiser, and Bubbles set them both the task of a 1-page translation as extra homework.
I could hardly wait for the end of class to get the real McCoy. It transpired that they’d gone to the toilet and James had managed to piddle on his pinky and had washed just the pinky under the tap before leaving the toilet with the offended finger held aloft in the air, all the way up two flights of stairs, in a desperate attempt to dry it before getting to class.
All three of us bent over double in fits, as much at the events in the Latin class as at the total daftness of the toilet tale.