The Wine Lover and the Wowser
Imagining how a wine lover and a wowser might conduct a conversation.
(From my “To Wine” book – https://finelinepress.co.nz/to-wine/ )
Wowser (W): You really should try to cut back a bit, you know. You just opened a third bottle.
Wine Lover (WL): It’s my birthday! I usually share my wine anyway, not much fun drinking alone, but here I am with you. I always say a bottle shared is a bottle halved … assuming a normal drinker and one who believes in sharing, of course.
W: Happy birthday! I usually have a health drink from fresh squeezed fruit, such as orange or mango.
WL: Try putting some white wine in it. I have a friend, actually he’s a medical man, a specialist. He specialises in putting white wine in his gin to make it taste better. Yeh, you got it, the gin!
W: Well, that’s just heaping bad on bad, someone who doesn’t know where to draw the line.
WL: Well, he’s a good deal older than you, and he knows what he’s doing, so I say power to his elbow. And you know something? Me too, I’m a lot older than you. I’ve got here already!
W: I’m not sure that age has much to do with it. If anything, your years should help you to rein the wine in a bit. I’m talking about your health and quality of life, staving off embarrassment, the evil days, the illnesses, the infirmities and lack of mobility.
WL: Well, we are cheerful today! Sounds as if you spend your days watching and counting, a fair bit of tut-tutting in there too, eh?
W: There are around seven glasses in a bottle. A couple of units a day is generally the limit for safe, moderate drinking.
WL: Alcohol you mean?
W: Yes, yes, that’s what we’re talking about.
WL: Wine is different, it’s not really alcohol.
W: Where did you get that from?
WL: Wine makers, friends, people with taste, refinement and discernment, lovers of fine food and drink, even some doctors.
W: Wine not alcohol! That’s the first time for me to hear that. What amazing, ineffable and evidence-based research would you be referencing for that?
WL: No research, sorry. I was being mildly outrageous to wind you up, but if you must have an answer I’d say it was personal research and experience in a long lifetime of quaffing the nectar of the gods, dancing my days to liquid music. That’s a longer lifetime than you’ve had not enjoying wine. You see, wine is nature’s gift to beauty and pleasure, it is of itself a thing of beauty, it is truth and wisdom. At least it can give the imbiber a feeling of being wise. It flows naturally from fermented grapes, sun-ripened for over six months, lovingly tended by vintners in glorious fields of thick green leafy vines.
W: (With great emphasis) Vineyards.
WL: You know, for years I’ve been trying to keep to a couple of bottles of this ambrosia. They say a few glasses are OK with food.
W: Two bottles! But you’ve had two bottles tonight!
WL: Yes, it’s my birthday.
W: You’re repeating yourself, not a good sign. And you just said two bottles a year.
WL: No, I didn’t, I said trying for years to keep to two bottles …
W: You didn’t say “per day”.
WL: Oh, that was understood. For heaven’s sake, man, no-one drinks only two bottles of wine a year, that would be like a thimbleful a day.
W: Yes, apart from which it would go off. Next thing you’ll be telling me you’ve got a doctor’s prescription for it, a medical necessity.
WL: Funny you should say that. The most enlightened doctor I ever met said a litre a day was OK. However, my doctor in another country said he suspected an element of commercial self-interest might have been involved. The litre-a-day doctor was in the Languedoc in the South of France, the world’s biggest wine producing area. A fine fellow, possibly owned vineyards. For sure, he enjoyed a drop!
W: I’m inclined to agree with the self-interest angle. You do know that the medically recommended, moderate-drinking, daily dose for a man is two glasses, and not the double-size glasses that you no doubt use. Alcohol causes all kinds of damage to the internal bags. Then there’s the awful social harm. Anyway, two bottles a day don’t amount to a litre, they’re a litre and a half.
WL: How wonderful to be fulfilling my doctor’s recommendation. Apart from which, I don’t usually drink alone. What did WC Fields say? “I never drink, unless I am alone or with somebody.”
W: Well, I like the “never drink” bit.
WL: I do hope you’re not missing the joke. Just going back to your medical stuff there, damage to the innards, I have to wonder how most people survive quite well, how many people get a sense of wellness and well being, and if that positive side to a few glasses of wine, doesn’t outweigh the harm you speak of, and I have to wonder if drinking some wine makes one a bit sharper, more with it, more “joie de vivrey” … even a tad less disapproving.
W: Thank you, I don’t feel at all dull.
WL: How about superior?
W: Yes, I know when I’m right and I enjoy that feeling, if not fact. I do worry about the addictive qualities of drinking anything alcoholic, and the harm it causes to many. Did you know that in New Zealand over 5% of all deaths of people under 80 are due to alcohol abuse? Then there are injuries, accidents, cancer, heart and kidney disease, not to mention the domestic violence – just talk to any policeman or doctor.
WL: I still hold to the pleasure that wine gives many people. You keep saying alcohol, I wonder if there is research specifically on wine. It’s a shame to lump it in with all the other liquor. Apart from which, you sound as if you’re equating wine with the likes of methamphetamyne or heroin. It’s not the same thing, totally different beasts. Think natural versus chemical.
W: Addiction is addiction is addiction.
WL: I’m addicted to tea and coffee too. I find I’m happy enough, I go about my daily business. Same with wine.
W: I’ll bet you get agitated if you can’t have a cuppa.
WL: Or a glass! Look, you’re plain wrong about addiction and in particular wine. It’s a great relaxer, a social lubricant, a peacemaker and a celebration of life. It’s full of fine tastes, creating magic in the mouth by itself and with food, giving wing to the imagination and body to the soul, giving work to good people who grow the grapes,
causing one to feel joy, and helping with conversation.
W: I think your doctor, true to medical moderation and his professional promises, should have advised you two glasses, two small glasses.
WL: A day?
W: What were you thinking?
WL: Oh, every few hours! The two glasses would have to be half-litre glasses according to what my French doc. decreed!
W: I think your natural enthusiasm, love of the grape and its mind-numbing effects is turning your head, certainly your judgement about what’s really good for anyone’s health.
WL: You can’t say “mind-numbing” without experience, it’s just your judging attitude, making a statement as if it were researched fact, then applying a conclusion. “Natural enthusiasm” is good though, partly hereditary and nurturing, partly due to wine.
W: Glad to get something right. I wouldn’t like to be your wife for sure, keeping a watch on you, checking how much you’re pouring down your throat, hiding the bottles, and putting up with your unnatural bonhomie.
WL: Who hides the bottles, not my wife! And I certainly don’t, no need, it’s a natural activity, eating good food and enjoying a glass. Anyway, how did you know my wife gives me the evil eye at times?
W: Simply by putting myself in her place. Surely not much fun seeing someone drinking and becoming garrulous, saying things that wouldn’t normally be said, being a bit silly, being different.
WL: You’ve made a close study of all this, haven’t you? And you’re choosing to dwell on the negative, revealing more about you than anything you could say about wine. How about being the life and soul, telling wonderful stories and jokes, relaxing, laughing and helping to make the world a better place. At any rate that’s the case with my wine-loving friends.
W: You’re an extreme, the world is hotching with extremes, such as people drinking too much.
WL: You’ll soon be saying people enjoy themselves too much. I could say that you’re an extreme, too. Most people enjoy a glass or three, but some of your ilk would go so far as to deny them that pleasure. Apart from which where’s the freedom?
W: What do you mean?
WL: There should be freedom in our relationships to have a few glasses, so long as one doesn’t behave horribly, and I don’t. My wife loves to go shopping, a bit of an obsession truth to tell, but I don’t say anything.
W: I believe that if one drinks too much one is more likely to behave badly.
WL: I just said that I didn’t, didn’t I?
W: Drink too much?
WL: Now you’re adding silliness to your ill temperance! I feel that one should be able to pursue one’s pleasure without the gainsaying of others, so long as one doesn’t behave untowardly. Of course, I realise that’s a matter of interpretation, and I’ve been there. To my eyes, my father drank too much when he slurred his speech, forgot what he was talking about, looked different and got a bit wobbly on his feet. That was on the whisky of course!
W: Whisky, wine; wine, whisky, all the same.
WL: Sorry, no! Whisky is almost five times stronger than wine, it’s a different beast, it has a dramatic effect. Anyway, the thing about my father was no-one else felt he changed, indeed no-one else cared. It was just me that minded. In truth, he wasn’t behaving too badly. I know they say that nearest and dearest can be your severest critics, but I like to feel that I made a big effort with my father and he enjoyed himself without too much disapproval from me. Looking back now, he really didn’t behave badly at all.
W: All very interesting, nearest and dearest can make life hell with co-dependency for both parties.
WL: Yes, I told myself that I was acting out of concern for his health and well being. In fact, I was making a private hell for myself and occasionally being an over-concerned dick for him. He didn’t do too badly getting to 78 on a third of a bottle and twenty fags a day.
W: Yes, better to relax, eh? You were clearly not enjoying life with wine back then.
WL: That’s right, I was a bit of a W. You see, I know how it feels to be you.
W: No you don’t, unless you were brought up in a bible-bashing milieu, all that I knew. My existence was imbued with advice against alcohol, the evils of drinking, the devils that lived in a bottle, the damnation that awaited if my lips touched wine or anything else. Yes, even other lips! It was a strange upbringing. (He has to compose himself). Your wine consumption is still unhealthy, it’s bad for you.
WL: OK, I’m sorry about your background, we can’t choose what we come into the world to. Let me tell you about a Spanish gentleman, a vineyard owner. This occupation was handy because of his prodigious imbibing, or maybe it caused it, I wouldn’t wonder. He drank six bottles of wine a day, not your wimpish white or rosé but the real strong reds of Spain, like Rioja! It’s the kind that takes the fur off your tongue and puts colour in your cheeks, that makes you feel you are walking on velvet, inventing fabulous tales, falling in love with everything and everyone. It’s the kind of heavenly wine that means all’s well with the world.
W: Good grief! He must have been totally pickled.
WL: Yes, so much so that he got to the ripe old age of 108.
W: He must have been a mess, I shudder to think what his innards were like.
WL: Do you know something? If you enjoyed a glass or two of wine, you might look more kindly on life, have a less depressive outlook, paint a brighter picture. It’s possible you might become more accepting of my pearls of wisdom. Why do you have such a jaundiced view? I’ll bet you don’t approve of birthdays or Christmas or any other wonderful celebration of life and living, which a little wine makes sparkle even more. Why don’t you live and let drink? Relax a little and enjoy God’s gift to you and allow others to enjoy their life without your criticism. I would say put a cork in it! Or better, pull the cork out of a bottle. You’ll feel lighter, believe me. You’ll stop worrying about other people’s innards, possibly even your own. And you’ll also be more interesting to talk to.
W: Oh, I’ve tried to lighten up, believe me. It’s not easy though. Father was a man of the cloth, Mother was a nurse and Jehovah’s Witness, and I was born into and lived in the Bible Belt of the USA. My family looked on alcohol as the work of the devil, all those who drank it were the devil’s henchmen. I was brought up to believe that drinking was sinful. I believed, and I still do, that temperance is just fine. And believe it or not, I really try not to force it on others.
WL: Moderation in all things might be a better way. I say moderation in moderation! A touch of immoderation if possible makes for a more interesting life and surely more dynamic conversation. Not to belittle our dogged discussion here, of course.
W: Well, just between you and me, you know, as I’ve aged, I sometimes think that maybe I’ve been missing out on something because of other people’s values and tastes in my upbringing. Going against that is really difficult.
WL: Well, I wouldn’t get into a psychological discussion of past upbringing as reasons for how you are now. We’re all at sea in one way or another, trying to find a haven. Many people find a safe port and down an anchor in life. Wine and its buoyant effects helped me steer a safe course to more zest for life. I believe that everyone can change if they want to, and wine helps with that. Sure, you can’t change overnight, but I would recommend a couple of sips of a good New Zealand Pinot Noir, such as “The Doctors”, made by a couple of doctors – very appropriate, yes! – whose Pinot is lower alcohol, too, so that would be a good start for you. Try it with one of my favourite cheeses, a French Cantal from the Auvergne or an Emmental from the Sauvoie, or any Brie cheese will do. They say Pinot is Brie’s best friend. Do it just for the taste of it, the combined taste of sunshine and grapes, milky-salty with fruity flavours, feeling the texture and warmth, enjoying the mental and spiritual support which the monks of old undoubtedly knew all about before science confirmed health benefits not only from resveratrol in the wine but also from the delicious relaxing effects it brings to one’s life. Relax and start to smile a little. You might be pleasantly surprised.
W: A couple of sips, do you think?
WL: Three or four would be better.
W: Are you sure?
WL: Of course, look at me!
W: All right then, just for the taste. I love cheese.
WL: Be careful now, cheese with wine is addictive, very moreish. You could become a cheese addict. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Oh, big piece there. Do be careful! A wine W’s one thing. A wine-and-cheese wowser is quite another!
W: Maybe I’ll become a wine and cheese lover!